The Forever Kind of Love
by Creatively Licensed B
Summary: "Austin might be falling for me, I kissed Sasha and Rigo, you know, my dead ex-boyfriend, visits me in my dreams." Future AU Payson/Sasha Payson/Austin Payson/Rigo Nickelly Lauren/Jake Lauren/Austin


Disclaimer: Don't own, homes!

A/N: If you've never read anything by me before, this is going to push **AU** to its limits and probably _feel_ **OOC**, but within the realm of my writing, it's _so_ me and screwy and I _love_ it. If you read this and are like _wtf_ and leave me a review that literally only says _wtf_ then I'll be a happy camper.

…

"Nickelly, Paystin, Lauren/Jake, Lauren/Austin, some kind of weird ass dark Sasha/Payson…" -**flowerchild3286**

Challenge accepted. Gettin' my Butcher B on. ;)

_Embrace the __**B**_izarre_._

* * *

**The Forever Kind of Love **

Given her past travesties when it comes to love, Payson knows one thing and one thing only: it will _kill her_ if Rigo turns out to be another Max Spencer.

Not that she expects Rigo to write her a letter with too perfect handwriting and too selfish words and for Austin to uncover the subtext: _he's just not that into you (because he's sorta into me)._ It's just that she knows other girls (maybe guys too; who knows these days?) can be just as enchanted by Rigo's smile, gentle eyes and goofy everything. If things don't work out with him, Payson will be devastated.

Most days the high of happiness keeps her distracted, focused solely on the good, but the bad exists, housed in the back of her mind. Late at night, her insecurities work overtime, which is just plain infuriating. She isn't Kaylie. She shouldn't be caught up thinking that way.

Given her past travesties when it comes to love, Payson should have expected worse than the worst because that's exactly what she gets.

…

"Pay, you really need to tell your boyfriend about this little basic human need we normal people like to call a haircut."

"Hey, I like his hair." Payson playfully bumps her shoulder into Lauren's, sitting in the stands at one of Rigo's races. "Not everyone gets their hair cut as often as they go grocery shopping." Payson shoots Jake a knowing look. He's on the other side of Lauren, their fingers laced.

"Payson Keeler, do you see this?" Jake runs his hand over the top of his head and down the back of his neck. "Getting a haircut _is_ like grocery shopping. Shit gotta be done _consistently_."

"Amen." Lauren turns to him, eyes half-lidded, a close-lipped smile, expecting to be kissed. Jake pauses a moment, resists, just to tease her. He never gives in too soon, which is one of the many things that make him perfect for Lauren. He finally kisses her, quick and loving on the lips. Seeing the way Lauren smiles in response, Payson most definitely approves.

All the people around them start to get riled up as the racers make their first appearance. Her deep red Stanford sweater straightens down her body as Payson stands, searching for her boyfriend. Lights flash. People cheer. When Payson finds Rigo, he's mounting his bike, in line with the others, waving to the crowd. He must see her because he blows a kiss to the audience. Payson grins. He can be such a ham.

"Are you two really doing the long distance thing?" Lauren asks.

"BMX is practically year-round so it's going to be long distance no matter what," Payson explains. She doesn't really answer the question, but it goes without saying, doesn't it? "Rigo is going to visit me at Stanford _almost_ as much as I expect you to."

"Approximately 360 miles from LA to Stanford," Lauren says cheerily. "It is _so_ goin' down."

"Why do we have to drive _all the way_ up there?" Jake interjects. Mostly because he probably assumes he'll be doing most of the driving as Lauren snores in the passenger seat. "Why can't you come down to see us in LA?"

Payson laughs at the wrestler's naivety and Lauren slaps his arm like he said something completely ridiculous and yet she found it adorable. "Look at my boy, inviting himself to the party. Cute, but not happening, Jakey."

"Oh! Right! How could I forget?" Jake dramatically clutches his chest. He can be a total ham too, but intentionally, unlike Rigo, who just runs into trashcans by nature. "Forgive me for intruding on Lo-Pay time. Rule number one of dating a Blonde Rock Barbie: boyfriends got nothing on besties."

"And don't you forget it." Payson smiles at Jake and he grins back like _iight, I can share, but with you and just you._

In the seconds leading up to the start of the race, Payson hears Rigo's words in her head. It's tradition. It happens every time she watches him compete. It's so vivid to her, as if he's with her, whispering it in her ear.

"_Once you're in it there's no going back. That initial, nearly 30 feet drop. Going almost 40 miles an hour. It's like skydiving. There's no other feeling. Well, other than falling for you." _

Payson holds her breath and curls her fingers into Lauren's as she watches it all literally go down hill.

It happens too fast to pinpoint the cause. The bike slides out from under him. He tumbles, limbs twisting in unnatural ways. Another rider runs over his legs and another his torso, eliciting grimaces and gasps from the people in the stands. She's too far to hear his bones breaking or him whimper in his helmet, but Payson swears she can. Rigo's helmet slams into the ground over and over until his body finally comes to a stop, immobile in the dirt. A sick silence falls over the crowd.

At the first sign of blood, seeping down into the collar of his shirt, across the name of his sponsor, a single cry from the crowd starts a wave of panic. Payson is perfectly still even as the paramedics rush out onto the scene, hesitant to move him, but then finally carry him off on a stretcher.

Lauren's instincts kick in and she wraps her arms around her best friend before Payson can even make a sound, move a muscle or take a breath. She tries to keep her together before she can fall apart.

Nothing compares to this. Not her walking in on Nicky on top of Kaylie in the middle of the Rock or the way Sasha firmly pushed her out of that kiss or Max's stupid letter that broke her stupid heart. When she finally _needs_ air, Payson takes a breath that's more of a gasp and leads to a sob. And another. And another. The hurt, it feels like it can go on forever and she's about to find out that it does.

…

Lauren doesn't leave Payson's side. Jake tells her that she needs to back off, that Payson needs to embrace the pain and let the grief run its course. Lauren knows he's right, but she snaps at him anyways. For every unkind word she says, Jake kisses the top of her head and strokes his thumb across the back of her hand, reminding her that she isn't numb and shouldn't choose to be.

But Payson is by default. Of course Payson is. Her boyfriend is dead. _Rigo is fucking dead_. And Lauren is scared because more and more it feels like Payson is too. Dead _inside_. Lauren wants to be there, _needs to_, but worst of all, Payson won't let her.

They all had these wonderful plans for the future. Lauren would be living in LA, interning for a major fashion designer, slowly expanding her fragrance line with the hopes of breaking into the fashion world, building her own branch of the Tanner empire. Jake will be with her every step of the way and Payson will be at Stanford. They had a plan. Then Rigo died and now Lauren isn't quite sure what they have.

"You need to go," Payson whispers. They're in Lauren's bed, under the sheets in the dark, holding each other like two frightened children a long way from home. "This is a one in a lifetime opportunity for you."

"I know and I will. _After_ the funeral."

"I can go alone," Payson insists.

"No, you can't."

A smile ghosts across Payson's face that looks thinner and thinner every time Lauren dares to notice. "Lauren, I won't be alone once I get there. His sister says she can pick me up from the airport and I can stay with his family. I'll have Brad and the biker boys."

"Like I'm supposed to trust that Ken Doll with you? Might I remind you that he was supposed to be at the Final Rose Ceremony I put together for you at the TC?" Lauren smiles, but only when she sees Payson do it first.

"Lauren, it isn't a date. It's a funeral."

"Even more reason for a reliable escort." Lauren brushes her thumb across Payson's cheekbone, wiping away tears that aren't there. That's also been worrying her. Payson hasn't cried once since the day at the race. "I could set you up," Lauren suggests playfully, weakly.

Payson doesn't reply to that, just shuffles closer. "I love you, you know?"

"I love you too, Pay."

"It's weird. I feel like, after him, you might be the only one I can say it to anymore."

Lauren hates everything about what Payson just said. "I don't want to leave you alone through all of this," Lauren whispers.

"You have to. I want you to. It's the good kind of leaving. I know you want to be typical, stubborn you, but I won't let you. I'll get Jake to carry you onto that airplane, kicking and screaming, if I need to."

"Okay, fine. But you'll let _someone_ be there for you, won't you? Even if it isn't me."

Again, Payson doesn't answer. She just traces the streaks down Lauren's face, left by tears she didn't even realize she cried.

…

The day Lauren leaves for California, Payson warns Jake to take care of her best friend. He promises that he will (even crosses his heart with his finger across his chest), pounds her fist with his and then hugs her, telling her to take care of herself.

Lauren is a lot more upbeat and cheery than expected, announcing that she has a surprise for Payson. Drawing on her fabulous matchmaking skills, Lauren set her up with an escort for the funeral. Payson is unsettled even if she shouldn't be surprised. It's Lauren's style to take things into her own hands despite Payson's multiple pleas for her to leave it alone.

"Ugh. Quit making that face! Poopy Payson resurrected." Lauren pulls her into an embrace and kisses her cheek. Right in her ear, Lauren sings, "It's Sasha. You trust him. I trust him with you. _Winning_."

When Payson and Lauren share their final hug outside the airport doors, it literally lasts for minutes, but eventually they have to let go.

…

"You shouldn't be here right now. Sasha, the Rock needs you."

"Payson, we're on the plane. It's a little late to be having this discussion, don't you think?"

She sighs. He has a point. Sasha always does.

Payson crosses her arms and stares out the window. There's nothing but darkness beyond the glass. Payson feels it every time Sasha glances at her, inquiries implied but never spoken. She closes her eyes and tries to ignore it. So much is in motion and she wishes it could all just stop long enough for her to catch up, but that isn't going to happen any time soon.

"Your mum is worried," Sasha says. "She says you haven't been returning her calls."

"I'm going to see them in Minneapolis before school starts." Payson knows that isn't the compliance he wants, but that's what she keeps repeating and repeating. It's the next step in this new, altered plan of hers. She'll be all theirs then. It'll be inescapable.

"It doesn't mean you shouldn't at least call her back."

Payson tilts her head in Sasha's direction, giving him a look over. His eyes are as bright, as blue and as distracting as ever. He's worried about her. He wants her to talk to him. All these little details add up to something bigger that she isn't willing to confront and so she focuses on the smallest, most insignificant detail to keep her occupied.

"Your hair. Do you like it long like that?"

Sasha is caught off-guard by the drastic subject change, but he entertains it. "Change is nice once in a while, isn't it?"

"I think I liked it better short," Payson says. It may be forward, it may be random, but it's true. Hair is supposed to be cut. Rigo never understood that or maybe he just refused to. "Haircuts are one of the most basic human needs."

"I'll keep that in mind." Sasha lays his hand over hers, resting on the armrest that separates their seats. Payson tenses, but resists the urge to jerk away. It isn't suggestive. It's meant to be comforting. It's unwanted. "Payson, I was once your coach and now I'm your friend. Whatever you may possibly need, just ask. Better yet_, tell me_. Hell, _demand it_."

Payson smiles. He's always been so good at making her smile, especially when she's at her worst.

"Thank you, Sasha. I'll keep that in mind."

Payson slides her hand out from under his and leans forward, reaching for her bag beneath the seat in front of her. From it, Payson pulls out one of Rigo's favorite beanies, the navy one with the black trim. She feels Sasha's eyes on her again, but ignores him, tugs the beanie up over her head and tries to get some rest.

…

Payson looks at herself in the motel mirror, driving her hands over the material of her modest, fucking _ugly_ black dress. She hates it. Rigo would tease her about it. But this is how these things go. Funerals. She hates them too.

When everything feels too heavy, too much to bear, Sasha interrupts her thoughts, coming out of the bathroom. With a laugh, he tells her that Phoebe (who the Keelers left with Sasha when they moved to Minnesota) is giving babysitter Marty _hell_. That makes Payson smile, but what makes her grin is turning around to see Sasha's hair freshly cut, short, just like she requested.

Of course, _he_ would cut his hair in a motel bathroom with just a pair of scissors and his hands. He's Sasha freaking Belov. And she loves that.

…

Payson meets Rigo's mom for the first time at the funeral.

She's a wonderful woman, a mother of three with Rigo being her youngest, her baby boy. She literally welcomes Payson with open arms, rattling off all these words about how thankful she is that Payson flew all this way. Payson knows she should mimic the sentiments, but she's paralyzed. All she really thinks about is how they're matching—both in black dresses—and how fucking depressing that is.

The service is beautiful. Rigo was a sweet Catholic boy, raised by a sweet Catholic family and so he has a beautiful church funeral. The casket is shut for obvious reasons. Payson wishes she could see his face one last time, but knows throwing open the cover would lead to trauma for the entire room. Payson settles for laying her hand atop the glossy exterior and that's as close as she'll ever get.

It's strange to be in a room full of strangers who knew him, who share in her pain and yet she barely knows a fourth of them. She knows Brad and the biker boys, who all wear their Team USA jackets and carry the casket in and out; reminiscent of how they lifted Rigo onto their shoulders to celebrate their win in London. They loved Rigo. All these people did. It's weird to be connected to strangers and not feel it.

The one person she _really_ knows there is Sasha. From the church to the gravesite, he refuses to let go of her hand and she doesn't think to pull away once.

During the reception, which is just as beautiful, Rigo's mom invites her to family dinner that night. Payson hesitates, but then Brad steps in and encourages her to, saying him and the boys will be there and they're planning a little get together after to honor their fallen friend. Payson isn't stupid. She knows it means they're planning to get shitfaced and trade embarrassing stories about Rigo. It only make sense his girlfriend be apart of it.

Payson Keeler isn't supposed to be the type of girl who goes off with boys she hardly knows to drink alcohol in a city she's never been to before. Then again, Payson Keeler isn't supposed to break promises to herself and have sex with a boy she barely knew. Honestly, Payson doesn't know what type of girl she is anymore. So, she says yes.

"You won't do anything incredibly stupid when I'm not there to supervise, will you?" Sasha asks. He tries to sound playful, but his underlying concern is poorly veiled. It goes to show how he can't even predict her anymore and it gives her the strangest thrill.

"What do you think I'll do, Sasha?" Payson gives him a smile that isn't reassuring at all. Daring, dangerous, maybe. "Get my hands on a dagger and stab myself?"

Because following in the drastic footsteps of a fictional character is just _the_ definition of incredibly stupid. She means it as a joke too, but Sasha doesn't laugh. He doesn't look any more at ease. Payson's expression softens, the look in her eyes almost asks for permission even though they both know she's never needed his permission to do anything. Still doesn't.

"Very well." Sasha nods. "Try not to get in too late."

Payson gives him a wave before she starts walking over to where Rigo's sister is waiting. She doesn't know if Sasha means for her to hear it or if he's just commenting to himself, but his voice makes her tear up for the first time all day.

"For never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo…"

…

It's nearly four o'clock in the morning and still no sign of Payson.

With every tick of the cheap motel clock, Sasha gets closer and closer to losing it. He can't sleep until she's back, until he knows she's safe. He thought he could trust her to be smart about this. He _does _trust her. It's the grief he doesn't trust and everyone can see how it has a vice-like grip on her.

He hears the click of the front door, laughter and shushes. Sasha gets caught between relief that she's back, presumably safe, and outrage that she didn't even think to call or text him.

"Shh, Sasha's sleeping!"

A bubbly laugh. Payson. _Drunk_.

"Who's that guy anyways? G'Damn it, Pay, we just put Rigs in the ground."

She hits him. He laughs loudly. More shushing.

"Shut up, Brad! S'not like that, okay? I still love him. _Rigo_."

"Mmm, yeah, Pay, he still loves you too."

As he listens to the two young, drunken mourners at the door, Sasha feels all his anger vanish. They still talk about Rigo like he isn't six feet under, like he's still capable of things like love. It's gut wrenching.

"F' yer not too slammed to get outta bed—breakfast at Denny's. Bring the bodyguard f'you like. _Shit_. If this is any indication. S'gonna be fun when you're at Stanford and I'm in SF. I can keep an eye on ya. He can't admit it, but Rigo'd want that. G'night, Payson."

There's a long pause, a shared hug between two broken souls. It's then that Sasha decides there'll be no lecture. Not tonight. Sasha pretends to sleep as Payson shuts the door and shuffles to the second bed in the room. She passes out the moment she hits the mattress.

Despite sleeping after her, Sasha manages to wake up earlier than her, goes to the minimart nearby for aspirin and bottled water. She is going to need it.

…

Before the summer ends, Payson goes to see her family in Minnesota.

Nothing feels right with them, almost like she doesn't fit the Keeler mold anymore. Her dad called it when he gave her that speech at the Olympic Team Trial, about how she transcended the typicality of Keelers. It scares her how being with them was something so natural, something she never had to think about. Now, conversations at dinner feel forced, feel like trying. Something broke in her and family ice skating outings can't fix it.

"You're starting to scare me, Pay," Kim tells her. They sit in the bleachers at the local ice skating rink. Becca is still on the ice with a bunch of her friends, laughing, chasing each other around, so carefree and yet to encounter reality, which has mauled Payson beyond recognition.

"I think this was good for her," Payson says. "Becca. She seems happy here."

"She is." Kim nods. "Payson, you can't avoid talking about it forever."

She sighs heavily, but it doesn't make her feel any lighter. "What is there to talk about?"

"Honey, you wear his shirts to sleep at night. The one time you took off his beanie was for mass on Sunday. You talk about him like…like…" Payson waits for it, waiting for someone to say what everyone is thinking. "Pay, I know you cared about him, but he's gone. And right now, all you can do is _feel it_, work through it, but not forever."

"I cared about him? Mom, _I love him_. You can't just go from being in love with someone to just forgetting them even when they…" Payson still can't say it. She won't. She doesn't know what she's afraid of, just that she's afraid.

"Pay, you can love a memory, but you can't be in love with a memory. I know it's the last thing you want to hear right now, but that's all Rigo is now."

Payson knows that, but knowing and accepting isn't the same thing.

"Don't worry. Another couple days and I'll be out of your hair."

"Payson…"

"Mom, I know. And it won't be forever." She really isn't in the position to be making promises, but Kim doesn't deserve how hurt she looks. No one does. This is the most uncomfortable a silence has ever been between them. Mother and daughter sit together, staring out at all the children on the ice, laughing and playing. "Anyways, I'm really excited about starting school."

"Good," Kim says. "At least there's that to look forward to."

Kim wraps an arm around her daughter and whispers, "I love you," but it feels so much more like _I don't know you anymore and that scares me._ Payson leans into her mom. Her heart is inclined to agree.

…

What do you do when your first-time lover dies?

Payson goes to Stanford. And she can't stand it.

She smiles for all the pictures and smiles at Mark in his Stanford sweater and smiles as Kim frets over if she has everything she needs. She smiles as she waves goodbye to her parents and as she pays for all her textbooks.

The smile fades when she realizes she got paired with the biggest slut in student housing and she hates all her classes and all the slouchy beanie-wearing boys on bicycles that swarm the campus. She even chases after one at one point, forgetting for just a second, excitingly shouting, "Rigo!" after him, but it wasn't. It couldn't have been.

Slowly, she realizes that she's lonely without him, without anyone.

The one person who could possibly understand what she's going through is Brad. He drives up to see her one weekend and he tells her that if she isn't happy then to just say "fuck you, higher education" and get out. It'd be more valid advice if Brad weren't almost always drunk. Both nights that weekend are spent with Brad passed out in the back seat of his car while Payson sits upfront, staring at the stars through the sunroof.

One day, in the middle of lecture, she just decides. Payson collects her things and stands up while the professor is going on and on about things she doesn't care about and she leaves. She goes home—back to Boulder.

…

She has her own key to the Tanner house and she's sure Steve wouldn't have a problem with her staying there (if he's even in town), but when she's looking for a place to stay, Payson reaches out to Sasha.

People would still probably talk, think it's inappropriate after everything, but no one is going to say anything to the girl with the dead lover. As she sits in Sasha's little apartment with her fingers wrapped around a cup of tea and Phoebe curled up in her lap, Payson remembers how Sasha used to live in that tin can in the Rock parking lot. He was always so ready to leave, but now look at him. An apartment. Actual furniture. He isn't going anywhere and she likes that.

Payson warns herself not to let Sasha turn into an emotional crutch, but she also reasons that he would never let that happen anyways. He provides this framework for her to fill, keeps her grounded, centered. Still, she's always careful because her grief isn't his responsibility. He doesn't owe her anything. She owes him everything.

One night, out of the blue, Sasha tells her that he got tickets to the ballet and they're going. It isn't some cheap club downtown. The music isn't wild and demand movement in the way salsa does, but it's smooth and touches her, moves her without her even having to leave her seat.

"Thanks, Sasha. I really needed this."

"For you? Anything," he says, like a promise. And he means it. "Payson, I know it feels like the impossible right now, but you will get through this. You can be happy again. You deserve it."

Payson smiles a sad sort of smile, but doesn't say anything in return. She loved Rigo. _Loves_ Rigo? Did? _Does_? It's starting to become as difficult for her to remember, as it is to forget. But how do you just "get over" love? She hates the very idea of it. What she hates even more is how Sasha makes her feel like it isn't impossible at all.

She's still living out of the suitcase and duffle she brought back, but the one thing she unpacks is her gold medal. Payson hangs it up right next to Sasha's. Finally, something feels right.

…

Rigo isn't dead. No. He lives in the fog between the conscious and unconscious. He visits whenever he can. She never turns him away and so he taunts her almost nightly.

"Would you have still fallen in love with me if he was a little younger or if you were a little older?"

"You're being ridiculous," Payson tells dead boyfriend. "We said forever. I don't know about you, but I know I meant it. I am wearing _your_ jacket, aren't I?"

And she is. It's rather large on her, wraps all around her and she feels safe.

"Yeah," he replies, "but you're also wearing his medal."

With her hands stuck in the pockets of his jacket, Payson parts both sides and sees the gold against her chest, the ribbon around her neck. She doesn't say anything more and neither does he.

Rigo never gets angry or calls her out on how no answer always is an answer. He just smiles at her in that way that makes her eyes tear and she calls him a doofus like always. Then she hops on the back of his bike and they recreate the first time they starting falling for each other and she thinks it's just as beautiful as it was the first.

…

The plan never including ditching college, but that's what happens. Payson feels horrible, especially after she begs Sasha not to tell her parents. He disapproves, but agrees. From there, Payson wastes the days away, taking Phoebe for long walks and hanging around the Rock. She observes mostly, sometimes steps in to help if asked. It's an easy existence and it feels _good enough_. She's never been satisfied with anything less than her very best, but for right now she's content with _good enough_.

When Kaylie's in town, she texts Payson and invites her to lunch. She doesn't know how Kaylie knows she's back. She suspects Lauren and when she texts her bleach blonde bestie, Lauren replies with a winking emoticon. Bingo.

Kaylie has been in Vegas helping Damon start his own recording studio and eventually launch an indie label. It didn't take her very long post-Olympics to find a new dream. There was always speculation (mostly Lauren) that Kaylie and Austin's relationship failing the second time around is what sparked her passion in music again and sent her right back to Damon.

But Damon and Emily and their son are happy so Kaylie wouldn't overstep that line. No. Never. Kaylie assures her of this at lunch even though Payson never asked. Kaylie also spends a significant amount of time bringing up how she ran into Austin at the gas station her second day back and he had some trashy skank with big, fake boobs all over him. Kaylie likes to talk out her frustrations. Payson doesn't particularly enjoy listening, but pretends to anyways. She doesn't really know what Kaylie expects from her though. Sympathy? Understanding?

Kaylie and Austin broke up. Kaylie and Damon aren't and weren't ever anything. Payson and Rigo had everything and now he's dead and she has nothing. No, it's not the same thing.

"I'm sorry," Kaylie says. "I've been talking your ear off. You probably don't even want to hear any of this." Payson really doesn't. But she won't say it. She remembers Kaylie's face when Lauren went on and on about Payson "beating her to the cherry pop" and made no remark so Payson won't right now. "It just sucks, you know?"

"I know," Payson says, but doesn't agree. She knows what loss feels like, what it's like to be stuck, in a way that Kaylie's problems can't even begin to rival. But she puts on a show anyways. She's starting to slip when it comes to Sasha, but Kaylie makes it easy.

When Kaylie reaches across the table to take her hand it startles Payson to the point where she almost pulls away. "It's going to be okay, Pay. You know what they say, its better to have loved and lost than not at all."

It feels like Kaylie is referring to the both of them, blindly shoving herself into a frame she doesn't fit. Despite how much she hates Kaylie's optimistic attempt, Payson keeps composed. It's just easier to go along with Kaylie and her (failed) attempts to be helpful. At this point, Payson's just too tired to even think about love and other related bullshit.

Right after their little reunion, the first thing Payson does is text Lauren.

_Setting me up with Kaylie, really, Lo? Train wreck by definition._

Lauren replies within seconds.

_Noted. Never sent a Kay to do a Lo's job. :-)_

Payson can't even pretend to be annoyed. God, she misses that blonde bitch so much.

…

Sasha hates seeing Payson so stuck. He looks back on his darkest days and recalls that the first necessary step is you have to _want_ to make a change. Payson isn't quite there yet. When he was young, hurt and alone, Sasha would have beat down the bastard that tried to _force _him out of his slump and he understands she must feel the same. It kills him to see her suffer, but at least he's here to slowly see her through it.

Payson lounges around on the couch, which has been her bed for weeks now, just staring out into space. After watching her from the doorway for a few silent moments, Sasha picks up the little dog at his feet, begging for a treat with her eyes, and goes over to the couch. He sits beside Payson and Phoebes spins in a circle before settling on Payson's lap.

"Soap's under the sink," he says.

"Soap for what?"

Sasha gives her a kind, gentle smile. "You didn't think I'd let you freeload forever, did you? Your beast needs a b-a-t-h."

"Aw, it's okay, Phoebe. Sasha doesn't mean that," Payson coos at the little dog, playfully holding her hands over the dog's upright ears. Phoebe shakes her head, rattles her dog tags and licks the back of Payson's hand. Sasha gives her an expectant look and Payson picks Phoebe up, carrying her to the bathroom.

"And you can also scrub the tub while you're at it!"

"Who do you think I am? Snow White?" Payson playfully shouts in return.

To himself, Sasha murmurs, "More like Sleeping Beauty."

…

One night, when Payson's sitting at a little Italian restaurant downtown, inspecting the menu, Kelly Parker and Nicky Russo walk in together. They don't notice her at the table near the door. They seem to be completely oblivious to anything and anyone but each other. They hold hands; she smiles up at him like she never would for any reporter; he looks at her in a way that he never looked at Payson. It's something deeper and mutual.

As Nicky goes to put their name in, Kelly takes in the dim, romantic atmosphere and her eyes land on Payson. They stare at each other for a long second, as if mentally debating whether to acknowledge the recognition or ignore it. Kelly chooses the former and starts to walk over.

"Payson, hi. It's been a while."

"It has." Payson looks around her, towards Nicky, who stares at the two girls and keeps his distance. Payson then looks back to Kelly, who seems so nervous it's sort of adorable and really intriguing.

"Yeah, _him_. You know Nick." Kelly waves her hand dismissively. No biggie, apparently. "So, anyways, what are you doing back? What happened with Stanford?"

"I don't go there anymore," Payson answers. It's a long story she'd rather not repeat this second. Kelly nods, gets it. "Yeah, I'm back. I'm surprised Kaylie didn't mention it to you."

"I haven't talked to Kay since she went back to Vegas. Now that you mention it, I should probably get on that. God, I can't believe I'm starting to turn into one of those girls who total ditch their friends when they start seeing—_hanging out_ with a guy."

Payson smiles. Not much amuses her these days, but _this_ definitely does.

"You know, it doesn't have to be weird between all of us," Payson says. "I haven't even thought about Nicky like that in _ages_."

Kelly's anxious smile dissolves into confusion. "What does that mean?"

Crap. Maybe Nicky never mentioned, oh, how he was Payson's first kiss. Realizing her mistake, Payson smiles coyly, acknowledging that she might have just ruined their date before it even started.

"Okay, _way_ too many elephants in the room. We should at least address one," Kelly says. "I, um, I heard about Rigo. I'm sorry, Payson. It isn't fair."

Payson considers herself desensitized to people being "sorry for her loss" and doesn't mind when they say it. They have a right to feel that. It doesn't send her over the edge or anything. It is what it is. There's something about Kelly, maybe the look in her eyes or her sincerity or that last part. _It's not fair_. When Payson says thank you, she actually means it and initiates the customary hand gesture thing, giving Kelly's a squeeze.

Because Kelly's right, it isn't fair. It's nice to just hear it sometimes. For the first time, actually.

"Sorry about that. The bloody new manager at the Rock screwed something up and now we need to find alternative transportation to get the boys to Texas by the end of the week. It's hardly what it used to be when your mum ran things." Sasha walks over, shaking the phone in his fist. He looks up to find Kelly, who looks just as surprised as he does. "Kelly Parker, hello."

"Sasha, hi." Kelly looks between them. The conflicted look on her face says she's trying to avoid jumping to conclusions when the most obvious one is staring her in the face.

"Parks, our table's ready." Nicky finally makes his presence known, shyly joining Kelly tableside. Payson nods to him and Nicky nods back, shoving his hands into his pockets.

This entire thing is so awkward and Payson finds it hilarious.

"Well, we should probably go. It was nice running into you," Kelly says. "Payson, we should definitely catch up some time. Apparently, there's _a lot_ for us to talk about. I'll call you."

"Looking forward to it."

As they follow the hostess towards the back of the restaurant Nicky leans closer to Kelly, saying something. As she replies, Kelly roughly shoves him away from her and Nicky narrows his eyes at her when he responds. She doesn't understand a lick of it, but they make Payson smile. Once the former Denver elitists are out of sight, Sasha takes his place across the table.

"So much for our secret, romantic rendezvous," Sasha says jokingly.

Payson suspects Nicky and Kelly are thinking the same thing right about now. She barely makes it through the meal before texting Lauren to share this New Awkward Couple Alert.

…

After Austin hears from Nicky that him and Kelly had a little run-in with Payson and Sasha, he decides to pay the Rock a little visit. Everything just seems to fall in line when Austin pulls up on his motorcycle and Payson is talking with a teenage girl, probably one of the gymnasts, right outside. He pulls up to the curb, immediately stealing both their attention. After waving goodbye to the girl, Payson walks over and Austin tugs off his helmet.

"Look who's in town and forgot to look me up," Austin says playfully. Something about her feels so much older, un-Keeler, far from that innocent girl who blushed when he tried to teach her to be sexy. This change in her, the darkness, Austin can't wait to explore it.

Less impressed with him it seems, Payson asks, "Why do you ride this stupid thing?"

Running his hand across the handlebars, Austin talks to his motorcycle. "Aw, it's okay, baby, Keeler's just jealous."

Payson still doesn't find him funny and Austin grins and goes to hug her without hesitation. He assumes she's used to everyone walking on eggshells around her, but Austin Tucker isn't everyone. He stomps right over them and kicks them aside to get to her.

"At the risk of sounding horribly unoriginally, b'cause I'm sure you've been asked a million times over, how are you?"

"I don't really know," she answers into his shoulder. After a moment, Payson returns the hug, digging her fingers into the leather of his jacket. "Did Kaylie tell you I was here?"

"Nicky, actually." Only when she starts to let go does Austin do the same. When they're face to face again, he gives her one of his infamous lady killing smirks. "I hear you and Belov crashed his date with Kelly Parker. What's with that?"

"We were at the restaurant first. Therefore, I'd say _they_ crashed our dinner," Payson counters. "Since when do you and Nicky Russo even talk?"

"As great of a question as that is, it's the wrong one. What you should be asking is why Nicky Russo is living at the lake house," he says, "because he is and I don't even know how that happened, but he's way better with paying rent on time than Max ever was. Kelly being around—probably spying for Kaylie—I like that less, but hey, they're kind of a package deal these days."

"So you and Kaylie still aren't…?"

"Aren't dating. Aren't talking. Aren't anything." Austin gets the strangest feeling when it comes to Kaylie. A little sadness, a little regret, a lesson learned. "Anyways, I figured I'd find you here. I thought I'd drop in and invite you to dinner at the lake house. Kabob night. I don't mean to brag, but we get kind of crazy on kabob night."

Payson finally laughs and Austin feels a sense of pride in being the one to make her do it.

"You and Nicky Russo and food on sharp sticks? Sounds like something I need to see firsthand to get the full impact." Austin nods his head enthusiastically when he sees something that resembles a smile on her face. "Sure, let me tell Sasha I'm leaving and I won't be home for dinner."

Austin lifts his brows, inviting her to explain further, but Payson just tells him to wait and she walks back into the Rock. It's been so long since he heard all the theories about Sasha and Payson or read too much into the way they looked at each other. He didn't know what to believe then and still doesn't.

When Payson walks out, saying they're good to go, Austin has his spare helmet ready for her, but she refuses. She's been using Lauren's car and insists on driving herself and following him there. She rationalizes that she'll have to drive back home (to Sasha's) at the end of the night, but Austin knows it's specifically Lolita that bothers her.

He makes a mental note that for now on, every time he drops by the Rock to steal her away from reality (and he plans to do it on multiple occasions) to always take his car.

…

"Kelly flipped out and forced me to tell her every detail about us having a thing, oh, about a lifetime ago," Nicky tells her. Austin is going kabob crazy with the grill out on the patio and Nicky volunteered to give Payson a tour of a Max-less lake house.

"Honestly, Nicky, is that how we're classifying it? _A thing_? It was _barely_ even that."

"Exactly." He's a good sport, smiles shyly, but plays along. "It lasted maybe two seconds, if I recall. Mostly just idealism and, well, drugs."

"And by Kelly you mean _your girlfriend_?" Payson asks. He does that thing, looks away, tries not to smile and just at the sound of her name. Lauren does it whenever Jake is brought up in conversation. Payson assumes she looked that way when talking about Rigo. Now it feels so foreign. "Since when?"

"We're not…I don't… uh, since I first went to Denver? We've been on-and-off since." Payson sees the way he struggles with something that seems simple, but probably isn't. She gets complicated things so she doesn't push. "I guess in some weird, twisted way I have you and Kaylie and patented Rock drama to thank. With all the tabloids and media attention, talking about the almost-something-nothing with Kaylie was unavoidable, but I never thought about telling her about you until the other night."

Huh. Yeah. Payson never even thought to mention Nicky to Rigo even if he was her first kiss. It just never came up.

Payson says what she feels she's supposed to. "If you're happy then that's really great."

Nicky laughs. "We are. It's weird. This may sound dorky, but I always thought there was an intelligent way to approach relationships—"

Payson breaks out in a laugh and when Nicky starts to shy away, she bites her lip to try to stop. "I'm sorry. Go on. I want to be educated on Professor Russo's theory of relationships."

"More like, my abandoned theory. Our _thing_ is a case in point. We had a lot in common: our work ethic, dedication to gymnastics, wanting to avoid Rock drama. In my head, we matched, made sense. With Kelly, we don't have _anything_ in common. Well, besides being maladjusted misfits. But when we first met in Denver it was like… like two stars colliding in empty space. When it happens it's erratic, intense—the smaller one _literally _plows through the larger one—but once the initial violence dies down, it sorts itself out and you have this new, rejuvenated star. And that's what it feels like, my relationship with her. Did that make any sense to you…?"

"Sort of. But I can tell it made sense to you and that's what matters." Payson sees a stack of textbooks on the dining room table and runs her fingers over the cover. Astrophysics. It clicks. "Let me guess. Austin's light reading before bed?"

"More like Austin's time to time coasters," Nicky says. He's still trying to recompose himself. "They're, uh, mine. I'm taking some classes at CU Boulder. It isn't exactly my first choice school, but I like it. I don't know what I want to do yet. I'm just seeing where things go."

He doesn't ask about Stanford or Rigo or if she wants to talk about it. He's probably her first in that regard too. Payson doesn't mind having him around. When his cell phone buzzes, Nicky smiles and Payson gets what Kaylie meant that time down in Colorado Springs, about knowing when it was Rigo based on her reaction.

Nicky shouts to Austin that Kelly's coming over for dinner and when she gets there, they all catch up over kabobs. As much as she loves hanging out with Sasha and everyone at the Rock, this is nice too. Payson is surprised at how easy it is. It's strange how gymnastics was all any of them ever cared about, but now they're outside of it, living lives that barely compare to their old ones. There's so much more coloring outside the lines.

Payson spends the entire evening waiting for the promised "crazy" of kabob night and finally, Austin mentions how he wants to go skydiving. The crazy part comes when Payson tells him she wants to go with him.

…

Freefalling.

Forgetting to breathe.

The wind.

The pressure.

The need to scream.

The inability to.

It's exhilarating.

Once they're back on the ground, Austin hoots and hollers and runs to hug her. As he spins her in circles and makes her laugh, Payson can't remember the last time she's felt so unrestrained and alive.

"_There's no other feeling. Well, other than falling for you." _

…

Kelly wears Nicky's shirts, Payson notices. When hanging out at the lake house becomes a fairly regular thing, that's the only indication that they're even dating. Well, other than the way they look at each other, but even that always happens from across the room. They bicker and tease, but rarely kiss or even touch. Payson hasn't even seen them hold hands since that time at the restaurant.

Kelly does wear his shirts though. They're these soft, cotton flannels, the generic kind you get off the rack at Target or as hand-me-downs, not the fitted, pressed ones with embroidered logos on the chest pocket and buttons. Kelly wears them over her clothes with the long sleeves rolled up her elbows when they're hanging out and watching TV. Payson still wears Rigo's shirts, but in secret, at night, huddled under the sheets, where Sasha can't see.

"God, you're good at this. Your mom taught you how to cook, didn't she? All my mom ever taught me was how to put my hair up in those stupid buns." Kelly sits on the kitchen counter, watching as Payson slides a tray into the oven. Payson went with Austin to do some grocery shopping and he told her to go crazy so she did.

"She taught me a few recipes. I don't know where she had the time, but my mom always managed to have a home cooked meal on the table for us every night," Payson reminisces. She feels guilty at the mention of her mom. "She still doesn't know I'm back in Boulder."

"Are you ever going to tell her?"

The answer should be obvious, but that isn't the one Payson gives her. "I haven't figured that out yet. I haven't figured anything out yet."

Silence falls between them and a door slams not too far away. Kelly eagerly looks around, obviously needing an out from where the conversation was headed. Payson feels the same.

"Hey, it smells good in here." Nicky walks in with his backpack slung over his shoulder. He gives the two a smile and goes straight to the refrigerator. "What's cooking?"

"Lasagna," Payson says. "I hope you're hungry. We made plenty."

With a bottle of water halfway to his lips, Nicky pauses with caution. "Wait, _Kelly_ cooked?"

"Shut up, Nick!" Kelly shouts. She grabs a nearby orange and throws it at him. Nicky lets it hit him in the shoulder and roll away, too busy sipping his water and grinning in that way that says he wants to kiss her, but he makes no attempt.

"I bet it tastes great," Nicky says, "but I have an exam tomorrow so I need to hit the library."

Kelly frowns. "You just got home."

"I'm all yours this weekend," he promises, "but right now genetically modified organisms need my attention and that isn't going to happen here, with food, Austin, who's a category of distraction all his own and you looking amazing in one of my shirts." Nicky smiles and tugs playfully on Kelly's the sleeve before he starts to backtrack out of the kitchen. "I just came to pick up my books and I'm outta here. Save me some lasagna."

"Good luck," Payson calls after Nicky as he heads for the stairs. Seeing the longing way Kelly stares after him, Payson can't take it anymore. "So is that as affectionate as you two get or is that as affectionate as you two get _in front of me_?"

"What?"

"Kelly, he compares you to stars, but you don't even hug or sit next to each other on the couch? Nu-uh. Not buying it. Quit being ridiculous. You can kiss your boyfriend in front of me, you know," Payson tells her. Kelly tenses and narrows her eyes because Kelly Parker doesn't need anyone's permission to do anything. "I won't freak out, I swear. You don't need to hide your relationship because of me and Rigo."

Kelly sighs. "It's cool, Payson. It isn't all you. The truth is we got careless the first time, when he was in Denver, and things got messed up between us so now we're just…careful. Plus, what you're going through sucks as is. You don't need us constantly reminding you of what you…"

Have. Had. _Lost_.

"Nicky! Can you come in here for a sec before you leave?" Payson shouts at the ceiling. And then to Kelly, "Kiss your boyfriend goodbye, KP. It's okay. Really. For all we know we might be dead tomorrow. You have it, don't waste it."

Payson hears the chilling finality in her voice, the truth, and Kelly does too. Her eyes soften in this concerned way and it just makes Payson smile, seeing how far they've come from when the only words they'd exchange were Kelly taunting her before meets, prematurely bragging about kicking her ass.

"You called?" Nicky peeks back into the kitchen.

"Nick, c'mere." Kelly lets her eyes linger on Payson for a second longer and the blonde gives her a nod before busying herself with clearing off the counter. When Nicky's close enough, Kelly tugs on the sleeve of his hoodie and drags him to stand in front of her. Moving her hand to the nape of his neck, Kelly kisses him without warning, without hesitation. He doesn't question it, just wraps her up in his arms and kisses her back.

"You're my favorite," he whispers a little too loudly, making Kelly laugh breathily.

"I better be your only, loser."

"Yeah, that too."

Oddly, they really are cute together. Payson smiles to herself, but inside, she can't deny the piece of her that wishes they'd go back to their secrecy. It sort of looks like they love each other and she knows she has no reason to, but Payson sort of resents them for it.

…

When Austin said they were going to spend the day out on the lake, Payson expects waterskiing in wetsuits or at least for him to _try_ to talk her into spontaneous skinny-dipping. Instead, they're sitting in a boat with fishing poles and the stillness of the lake. It's kind of nice, but it's also kind of boring.

"Have you ever caught anything out here?"

"Nope," Austin answers. "Nicky doesn't think there are even any fish out here. I set out to prove him wrong. Zero luck so far, but call me an optimist."

Payson looks over the edge, gazing down, wondering how deep it goes.

"When we were back at the TC, I remember you complaining nonstop about being roommates with Nicky," Payson reminisces. "And now you two are best buds, _living together_. Are you ever going to explain to me how that happened?"

"Let's just say I have a soft spot for kids with daddy issues."

Thoughts of Mark come to her. It makes Payson sick every time she's reminded of how her parents are oblivious to where she is, what she's doing. She wants to figure it all out before she tells her parents. If she has a plan, she's sure that'll at least minimize their worry. Her reluctance to even think about what comes next makes it a tricky step to take.

"You should have seen us when he first moved in." Austin laughs. "I just broke up with Kaylie, Nicky was _pining_ after Kelly Parker. We had strangers and weirdoes hanging around, sad attempts to feel less alone. Now things are a lot more settled down. Boring sometimes, but a hell of a lot better. Time has a way of doing that."

It sounds like a dropped hint. Payson ignores it.

"They're good together. Nicky and Kelly. You wouldn't think so, but they are." Payson lets her fingertips skim across the surface of the water. It's cold. Hardly inviting, but she's transfixed on how she can't see her reflection.

"Maybe that's the secret," Austin muses. "Maybe it's the least obvious, most random equation that works out the best. Me and Kaylie, Golden Couple, too obvious, doomed."

Turning away from the water, Payson straightens up and lets her attention drift to Austin. "Do you think about her as much as you talk about her?"

"Who? Kaylie? Do I mention her a lot?" The answer goes without saying. "She's kind of the only real relationship I've been in. She's all I have to compare with. It's not like I want her back or regret breaking up. I don't even think I miss her. It's just nice to look back on nice moments. I think that's how you know when you're over someone, when you can talk about them and realize it doesn't hurt anymore."

"It isn't the same thing, Austin."

He gives her a big, innocent smile. "What are you talking about? I'm just talking about Kaylie and me. You know how much we like to talk about ourselves and each other."

Payson realizes how infectious his smile is even if she can't return it. Instead, Payson leans across the boat and gives his hand an "_I appreciate you"_ kind ofsqueeze. His smile turns to a smirk and he brings the back of her hand to his lips for a kiss before Payson can even blink.

…

"So this Austin guy…"

Payson lies out in the TC quad, staring up at the blue summer sky. She can hear the familiar sound of bike wheels spinning as Rigo rides circles around her.

"He's a friend."

"He likes you," Rigo insists. "He totally wants to hook up with you. And I know what you're going to say, _Rigo, doofus, that's ridiculous_! So instead of having that conversation, I'll cut to the chase. It's cool with me if you do. Hook up with him, I mean. Or even Sasha. I am, you know, _dead_. I just don't want to have to hear about it. Then again, I am in your head so there's no real hiding it from me either…"

Payson sits up and looks at him pointblank. "You need to get out already. Rigo, it's been long enough. You need to get out of my head."

The comforting sound that comes with the movement of his bike suddenly stops. All is silent. Even the ruffling tree branches are put on mute. Rigo's gentle brown eyes look directly at her. "I will, Payson. But how am I supposed to when you're holding on so tight?"

…

They go running every morning. Sasha and Payson and Phoebe. She may not be a gymnast anymore, but she still needs the release. Her muscles long for the movement; her heart craves the rapid beats; her skin demands the sleek sheen of sweat. They usually run in a comfortable silence, but there's a question on Sasha's mind and it brings him more and more discomfort every time he doesn't ask.

"So you've been spending a lot of time with Austin…"

It's true. She's been skipping out on helping at the Rock and going off with Austin, doing God-knows-what God-knows-where. Just the other morning, Austin unexpectedly showed up at the front door, looking for Payson. When Sasha opened it, Phoebe snuck out, ran right up to Austin, eager to make a new friend and Austin backed away as if she were rabid, screaming something about allergies. Sasha smiles at the memory of The Great Austin Tucker screaming like a little girl.

"Yeah," Payson says. "And Nicky and Kelly when they aren't in class."

"Oh? And have you given that any more thought?"

"Given what thought?"

"Going back to school."

Payson stops in her tracks and Sasha halts as quickly as he can. Phoebe runs on, but eventually doubles back when she sees her owners (because, yeah, they both share her and take care of her more than Max ever did) locked in a stare.

"Sasha, is this your way of casually bringing up how I've wore out my welcome? Because I could always stay at the Tanner's or I'm sure Austin and Nicky wouldn't mind me—"

"No, it's not that." Sasha gives her a stern look because the very idea is ludicrous. "I've been watching you ghost through life and I'm concerned. Even worse, I feel you drifting from _me_."

"Because I'm spending time with Austin and Nicky and Kelly?" She gives him a genuinely quizzical look. It breaks his heart that she can't see it. "I don't understand what the big deal is. I think I'm moving on just fine."

"That's bull and we both know it, Payson. You aren't moving on. If anything, Austin Tucker is just helping you stand still."

She gives him a hard look and starts running again without another word. Sasha could easily catch her, but just lets her go. Phoebe starts chasing after her, but Sasha whistles and the little dog comes trotting back to him. Sighing, Sasha bends down and scratches his favorite mutt behind the ears.

"That's a good girl," he coos. "I don't like it any more than you, but we need to let her go on her own. It's the only way."

Sasha knows that, even the dog understands that, but he isn't sure Austin does. And that could prove to be a serious problem.

…

Payson bursts into the lake house like she owns the place. She walks with purpose, passing through the living room, where Nicky and Kelly are making out rather aggressively on the couch. Payson would probably stop to tease them about how that's the first time she's actually seem them attempt to get beyond first base, but she isn't in the mood.

As Payson passes by, Kelly hastily shoves Nicky off her and the poor guy topples over and ends up on the floor. Kelly sits up and straightens her shirt, but before she can say anything, Payson walks past her, flicking her wrist in a "carry on" motion.

"Austin!"

"Out here! Sorry I failed to warn you about Nick and KP Make a Porno." Austin laughs, continuing to work on whatever he's working on, a piece of his car's engine, it seems. He drops what he's doing at the sight of her. "Keeler, what's wrong?"

"What's wrong? No! Wrong question! The real question is what's wrong with what I'm doing with my life?" Payson shakes her hands at the sky as she paces back and forth. "Granted, I don't know what I'm doing, but ever since I was a kid, I had every step of my life planned out. Is it so wrong that I take some time off? So my original plan didn't work out. Why do I immediately need to make a new plan? What if I don't want to live by a plan anymore?"

"That's cool," Austin says, wiping the grease from his fingers with a rag. "Then again, I'm also the guy who told you to buy a hot car instead of going to college in the first place."

"True." Payson sighs and sits next to him on the patio sofa. He goes to put his arm around her, but rethinks it when he sees his dirty hands. Payson doesn't care and leans into him anyways. "I want to move forward, I just, where do I go, you know?"

"I'm still trying to figure that out for myself. Doesn't mean we can't have fun while we do, right?" Austin grins and he makes her feel like everything is okay even when everyone else is telling her it isn't. "Hmm. I'm thinking white water rafting this weekend. Nicky and Kelly already rejected my invitation. It's just you and me, Keeler."

Payson gives him a smile, excited by the idea. It makes her feel better, remembering the adrenalin high she got from skydiving. Once Austin reaches for his sweating beer on the corner of the table, Payson slides it out of his hand and takes a long pull. Sasha tells her she's moving too slow so she speeds it up. Austin looks on, not with judgment, but with excitement and maybe pride.

That night she passes out in the living room of the lake house and it's the first time she isn't brought back to the TC, back with Rigo, doing tricks around her, circling her, questioning what she's doing with her life. As much as Payson hates the hangover in the morning, she realizes she likes the dreamless, drunken sleep. She likes it when he's gone and she hates herself for it.

…

Sleepovers at the lake house start becoming more frequent. Sasha isn't a fan and he isn't afraid to tell her, but Payson is too stubborn to care, too selfish to see where he's coming from. She can tell that he hates the person she's becoming, this ambitionless girl with her morals stripped away. Maybe that's the consequences of having your life figured out when you're six-years-old. Her dream kept her on a straight path throughout her teenage years, the years when you're supposed to fuck up. Now she's fucking up on the fringe of adulthood. Maybe she's just a late bloomer.

Payson groans. Her head is in this strange, foggy state when she wakes up. She isn't met with the blinding, aching feeling of a hangover and yet she was drinking the night before and doesn't remember most of it. Drinking till you blackout is a dangerous, reckless game. Who knows what stupid things you get into when you're like that? Whatever it was ended with Payson in Austin's bed.

She's alone in Austin's room when she's finally musters enough motivation to get up and starts with opening her eyes. She assumes the large shirt she's wearing is Austin's and quickly gets out of it, changing into her own on the nearby chair. After cleaning herself up, Payson walks downstairs and finds Kelly on the couch, reading a book.

"On a scale of zero to Kaylie at Lauren's Back From London party, how bad was I last night?"

As if she had the answer ready before Payson even came down the stairs, Kelly replies, "Remember when Kaylie caught her second wind and knocked over the ice sculpture? You were _slightly_ above that."

Payson groans and goes to the couch, throwing herself onto the cushions, taking up most of it, while Kelly sits to the far left with her knees pulled up to her chest, attention on her book. Eyes shut tight, Payson asks, "Where are the guys?"

"Went to pick up breakfast. They should be back any minute now."

"Did Austin and me…? We didn't…"

Payson is frustrated with herself for even having to ask. She always does this every time she drinks. In the moment, she just does it because that's how she is now. She just does things. Then, when she's basking in the consequences, she gets angry at herself for being so stupid and yet she does it all over again. Because nights without Rigo hurt the least.

"As far as I could tell, no," Kelly says. "You two were hanging all over each other when you were getting sloppy and he might have got a little hands-y at one point, but Nick and I were there to make sure everything stayed PG. He helped you to his room and slept down here."

Payson sighs with relief.

Kelly suddenly laughs. "You did get drunk calls-y; Sasha on the receiving end. You sure gave him an earful."

"Oh, God." Payson feels her face flush, mortified. "Tell me. How bad was it?"

"Venting mostly. Stuff about how you're in control of your life and you know he wants you to cut your hair, but you can't do that as easy as him. Nonsense like that. I swear I thought he was going to drive over here at one point, but he didn't. Then you insisted on calling Lauren before going to bed, but all you did was tell her 'I love you' over and over again. I still don't know what that friendship's about."

Payson smiles. That might be her favorite thing about it.

"I don't know how you do that so often," Kelly says. "Cheap beer tastes gross."

"I don't drink for the taste, KP."

"Then why do you?"

Payson leans her head back, looking at Kelly upside down. Kelly lowers her book and turns her eyes on Payson, mostly concern, but a tinge of curiosity. Before she can answer, the front door swings open and the guys walk in, bearing breakfast in Styrofoam containers and plastic bags. They don't try to pick the conversation back up. They just let it quietly die.

…

"I got an interesting phone call around 2 a.m."

"Are you going to lecture me?" Payson sighs. "Weren't you the one who told me that you aren't my coach anymore, you're my friend. Friends don't lecture friends about drunk dialing. They laugh and assure the guilty party she didn't make a _complete_ idiot out of herself."

"Friend don't let friends drunk dial in the first place." When Payson looks away, on the verge of running off again, Sasha sighs and runs his hand down the side of his scruffy face. "Rest assured. I'm not going to lecture you. You aren't a child anymore so I'm not going to treat you like one either," he says. Payson stares back, curious. "We had to let go of our manager at the Rock. I know you'd rather be out on the floor, _I_ would rather have you working one-on-one with the girls, but it's the only open position we have and we need to get organized before the whole gym falls apart."

Payson blinks. "Are you offering me a job?"

Sasha nods. "You'll need to be on time to work every day. Being tardy is the quickest way to termination and no exceptions simply because we're friends. That means no more extended stays at Austin's lake house. This, of course, means a source of income and the Rock has always been your home."

Payson doesn't seem as happy as Sasha had expected.

"Can I think about it?"

He sighs. "What is there to think about, Payson?"

"Maybe I don't want to spend the rest of my life in the gym, Sasha." He looks at her like the very idea is preposterous, because it is. "Give me forty-eight hours—"

"Twenty-four," he interjects.

"Deal." Payson nods and smiles sadly, letting her fingers ghost over the back of his hand as she walks past him. Still with his back to her, Sasha clears his throat. "I'm trying here, Payson. I wish you'd do the same."

That time he's sure she heard him, but just keeps walking off.

…

"Oh, my God. He loves you, Payson. He totally fricking loves you."

"Lauren, shut up."

Payson is in a tent set up in Austin's backyard, on the phone with her best friend. She lies out on the pile of blankets with Phoebe curled up next to her. She needed some time away from Sasha and the tension and Austin and the fun. Being at the lake house gets her away from one and Phoebe keeps away the other.

"Hello! Pay! Just because there isn't anything remotely sexual or romantic going on doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He offered you a job!"

"I know. Sasha means well. Clearly, he cares and he has a point, but I just don't know if the Rock is the place for me right now," Payson confesses. "And Austin says that's okay. It's okay not to want that. He doesn't try to force me to make plans. We just hang out and it's easy and fun. It's frustrating, but exciting at the same time, you know?"

"Wow."

Payson rolls her eyes. "I'm glad you're entertained, Lauren."

"No, it's not that. Payson, did you realize you haven't mentioned Rigo once this entire conversation?"

Huh. She didn't. Payson considers mentioning how she sneaks liquor sometimes. It helps her sleep. It helps keep Rigo away. But that would mean explaining her dreams, her conversations with her dead boyfriend and if they going to go into that, Payson would rather they do it in person, not over the phone. Ultimately, she decides to keep her mouth shut for now at least.

"So," Lauren says after the lengthy pause. "I guess this means you're officially over Stanford?"

"Not you too…."

"I'm only bringing it up because Thanksgiving is coming up and if you're sure Stanford isn't for you, the week before Thanksgiving is the term withdrawal deadline. The least you can do is submit the Leave of Absence to withdraw from the University and get a partial refund. Yes, Pay, I looked up the academic schedule for you."

"I love you, Lo."

"I love you too, . So you better not replace me with Creepy Town Parker! _And_ you can show me just how much you love me when I come home for Thanksgiving. Jake and I eat out _so much_. Thank God I got a gym membership out here. I could use a home cooked meal. Hint. Hint."

"Looking forward to it," Payson says. She unzips the door of the tent and looks up. It's overcast. There aren't any stars. She flops back down onto her sleeping bag. "I can't wait till you're home."

"I'm already counting down the days."

Once the long distance call ends, Payson snuggles down into her sleeping bag, texting Brad. He tells her that he thinks he needs to go to rehab or at least some AA meetings. Payson tells him that if he's looking for a sponsor he's asking the wrong person.

A large hand comes out of nowhere, stroking down Phoebe's fur. Phoebe doesn't react. She doesn't feel it. Payson's the only one who does.

"Weird," Rigo murmurs. "I thought dogs were supposed to freak out around the paranormal."

Payson adjusts the way she's positioned and stares up at his face. "Is that what you are, Rigo? A ghost."

"I'm whatever you want me to be, Payson."

"And if I want you gone?"

"Then I'd be gone by now." Rigo sits, folding his long, gangly legs Indian style. "Get some sleep. You've got work tomorrow. I love you, Payson."

She closes her eyes and takes a shaky breath. She doesn't say it back.

…

The very next day, after her first day of work at the Rock, Payson calls her mom. She tells Kim that she's sorry for being a brat when she visited last and apologizes for shutting them out. She even tells her the truth about officially dropping out of school and being in Boulder. Kim cries and Payson cries with her and she realizes it's the first time she cried where Rigo wasn't the reason.

…

"Hello?"

"What the fuck do you think you're doing, Tucker?"

Sitting at a table outside of a Starbucks, Lauren stares at her coffee cup from behind a pair of tinted sunglasses. Palm trees and pretty people in the distance. She can picture the look of confusion on Austin's face and then that infuriating smirk of his.

"Hello to you too, Lauren Tanner," he says. She can even hear the smirk in his voice and it's just as annoying as the visual. "To what do I owe this unexpected, pleasant wakeup call?"

"Let's get to the point, shall we? What are you doing with Payson?" Lauren questions. "What you're doing isn't helping her. She needs to stay grounded in reality to finally accept what's happened and she can't do that if you're playing devil on her shoulder. Skydiving and drinking? Payson doesn't drink. Ever."

"Maybe she isn't the Payson you knew anymore."

"And who is she now?"

"She's just as beautiful as she's always been, just as strong, but now she's free. How am I the only one who can appreciate this? You, Nicky, Kelly—everyone—thinks I'm corrupting her or something. Hell, even _Belov_ tried to call me, probably to ask the same things as you. "

Lauren rolls her eyes, but, honestly, the dreamy way he talks about Payson is definitely cause for worry. "Because we love her. We want the best for her. You, on the other hand, you're just helping her run from her problems. I don't know what in your delusional reasoning tells you you're helping her, but you're wrong, Austin."

"Just because I don't love her in the same, hovering way you and Sasha do and just because I don't love her for the same reasons, that doesn't mean I don't."

Lauren pauses, processing. She doesn't like any of this. "What happened to you, Austin?"

He scoffs. "What happened to _me_? What happened to _you_? I remember Lauren Tanner being fun."

"And I remember you trying too hard to convince people you were an ass when you weren't." She pauses again; her expression softens, sympathizing for maybe a second. Maybe losing his Olympic dream and losing Kaylie was harder on him than anyone assumed. When she speaks again, her voice is just as harsh as before. "Now, you really do sound like an ass."

Austin chuckles. "Why so uptight, Lauren? Is the wrestler boyfriend not doin' it for you?"

"Don't bring my sex life into this because if you want, Tucker, I can tell you _plenty_ of horror stories I've heard from Kaylie about yours." Lauren smiles to herself when he makes no attempt to respond. "Like I said, we aren't here to catch up. I'm telling you to quit it. Just because you can't literally fuck her doesn't mean you get to fuck with her head."

"I'm not fucking with her head. Like I said, I love her, just not in the same way as you." He almost sounds sincere. Lauren doesn't want to believe it, but she does, just a little. "It was lovely talking to you, Lauren. Next time you're in town, we should definitely meet up for more girl talk."

"Bite me."

He laughs. "If you really want, and I won't tell the wrestler either."

She imagines him winking at her. If anything, he's more Mr. Fucking Kobalt than he ever was when he was actually representing the brand. He makes her angry, irritable. Lauren scowls, firmly ends the call and tosses her phone onto the table, letting it slide halfway to the center. That conversation was meant to give her some peace of mind. It doesn't. If anything, it just made things worse.

Lauren sighs and tosses her empty coffee cup into the trash. On her way back to her car, she texts Austin:

_Just know that you're turning her into everything she said she'd never be and that makes you an ass._

…

"Payson, your father is ready to fly to Boulder and kick you out of Sasha's apartment himself."

"Lately, I've actually been staying at the lake house with, uh, Austin and Nicky." There's a pause on Kim's part. Like that's somehow worse than staying with Sasha when Payson doesn't see the difference in either. "Mom, don't worry. I'm not sleeping with either of them."

"And that's supposed to make me feel better?"

Payson sighs. "I don't get it. How is that any different from staying with Sasha?"

She's ready to go into a rant on how if sex is the big issue, Kim should have reason to be just as concerned about her staying with Sasha because he's—gasp—a man too, after all. Before they can even begin to breach that topic, she hears a door slam from the other end of the line and then muffled voices.

"Is that Pay?"

Crap. It's her dad.

"Payson," Mark says, taking the phone from his wife and holding it to his ear. "Payson Elizabeth Keeler, this has gone on long enough. Your mom is going to book you a ticket here and you will get your ass home so we can deal with this as a family."

Payson shakes her head even if they can't see. "No. That isn't my home. Boulder is."

"Payson, we're your home. Home is with your family. _Us_." Mark growls and it just makes her angry. "What is wrong with you? Leaving school. _Stanford_! Not telling your mother and me. We're here, worried sick! Either you can come home on your own or I will be in Boulder by morning to bring you home."

"We already tried that, remember? Nothing felt right there. My whole life is in Boulder," Payson argues. "I'm not a little kid anymore. You can't make me do anything. I'm over eighteen. I'm living off of my own money. I'm working at the Rock. I don't know why everyone is so worried about me. I'm fine!"

"Why are you doing this to us?" Mark sounds like he's ready to cry, so tired. Payson can imagine the bags beneath his eyes and the worry lines in his skin. "Payson, what happened to Rigo is horrible and you've been hurting, we get that, but it doesn't mean you should punish us for something no one could have controlled."

"I'm not trying to punish you," she says weakly, "but I can't go there either. If you try to force me, you're just wasting your time and money. I'm sorry. I have to get back to work now."

"Payson…"

"It's not your fault I'm so messed up," she whispers. "I—I love you, dad. Tell mom and Becca I love them too."

Before Mark can say anything, Payson ends the call and fills her heavy chest with a breath. She wipes the tear off her cheek and sees Rigo frowning at her. He's the reason for all of this. If she didn't let herself fall for him so blindly, so stupidly, everything wouldn't be as fucked up as it is.

"Payson," he says softly.

"Don't. Don't talk to me, Rigo."

…

Sasha knows he's teetering on the edge of madness with how much he worries about Payson. He tries to keep his distance to avoid smothering her, but he isn't about to let her drift away without a fight. She works at the Rock and doesn't complain about once, but she goes through the motions with low energy, dragging through the day. Gymnastics doesn't excite her in the same way it used to and it scares him it never might again.

Late in the evening, right as they're about to call it a day, Austin walks into the Rock. He lets Payson know that he's there to pick her up and she tells him to give her a second to finish up before they can go. As Austin waits on the side, fiddling with his phone, Sasha can't help, but walk over.

"Belov, hey."

"Tucker." Sasha gives him a curt nod. "So what are the plans for tonight?"

"You know, something fun. I figure she could use a break from _all of this_." Austin motions around to the Rock, Sasha's child for all intensive purposes, as if it's an extraterrestrial being.

"As I recall, you used to love _all of this_."

Austin just brushes off the reminder. Had he been this much of a prick when he trained at the Rock? Sasha allows for a little leeway. He took getting cut from the Olympic team particularly hard. But, honestly, the smirk on his smug face is asking to be torn off.

"Austin, I want to assume that you know to be cautious when it comes to Payson. She's going through a difficult time—"

"I don't know what you're talking about. She seems fine to me."

Sasha deadpans. "Austin, she's self-destructing."

"Not from where I stand. The way I see it, she's just doing what she can, living her life."

"That's honestly how you see things?" Sasha asks. Austin nods. "Allow me to give you a little reality check. The first boy she ever loved _died_. She dropped out of school. She's barely in contact with her family. All her friends are gone. She's been frozen for months now. You aren't helping. What are you doing with your life, Austin? Let me guess. Living it? Having fun?"

"As a matter of fact, yes. What's your problem, Sasha? The way I live my life isn't any of your business."

"Like hell it is," Sasha spits. "You're right. You can self-destruct all you want, but when you bring her down with you then you make it my business."

Austin laughs. "You know what your problem is? You loved what you made her. Perfect, beautiful, moral Payson Keeler, but she's growing out of that. _She's outgrowing you_. Now that she isn't a gymnast, she doesn't need you anymore. And you're the one who can't move on."

Sasha's fingers curl into expert fists and shake with anger. Austin has to know of Sasha's reputation and his knowledge when it comes to fighting. Regardless, from how he continues to smirk, Austin might be cocky (stupid) enough to test how good Sasha Belov actually is.

"I care about Payson," Sasha says, as calmly as he can manage. "I love her. If you feel the same or even half of what I feel for her, you'd be helping her move forward with her life, not provide endless, frivolous distractions."

"If you care as much as you say you do then you'd stop trying to direct her life and let her do what she wants. Jesus, I think _care_ is the wrong word here, Sasha. It sounds like you're jealous."

A tense silence falls over the two former gymnasts. Before either decides to break it, Payson descends the stairs from the office. "Austin, is Kelly coming over tonight? I wanted to…" Payson isn't stupid. She knows things aren't right. "What's going on?"

"Nothing," Sasha says. "Have fun tonight."

"Okay," Payson says slowly. Before she leaves, Sasha reaches for her hand and holds her stare. He sees Austin bristle in his peripheral, but his undivided attention is on the broken, young blonde. Payson gives his hand a reassuring squeeze and then Sasha lets go. He always does.

…

"He likes you, you know," Austin says as they walk to his car in the Rock parking lot.

Payson rolls her eyes. "You sound like Rigo."

"Rigo?" Austin tugs the passenger side door open for her. "When did he meet Sasha?"

"He, uh…" Payson gets into the car and Austin shuts the door after her. He walks around the front of the car to the driver's side and gets in to find Payson much more composed. "Rigo invited Sasha to the TC to help me with my floor routine before the trial. It was like Rigo knew what I needed. He knew he wasn't enough."

Before he starts the car, Austin sighs and drums his fingers against the steering wheel. "Look, Keeler, I know you're living with him and everything, part-time anyways, but Sasha isn't your coach anymore. He doesn't get to tell you what you're doing wrong and what you're doing right. Don't let him fuck with your head, alright?"

Payson nods, but her eyes take on this glassy quality like _I'm already fucked in the head_. And if she had voiced it, Austin would have probably told her it's okay. If you think about it, they all kind of are.

After being criticized for not helping Payson move on and not wanting her to move on, Austin decides to do something about it. He organizes a bonfire ritual. They build this giant fire out back behind the lake house and Austin forces all of them to participate, certain of the therapeutic benefits.

Austin finds ever last Kobalt brand perk he ever got during his poster child days. He doesn't know why he held onto all of that for so long. He says "so long" and tosses it into the fire. Nicky digs out a prescription pad with Nicholas R. Russo, M.D. in bold at the top and a couple of dusty syringes. Kelly takes the opportunity to get rid of everything and anything that holds any connection to her monster of a mother.

When it's Payson's turn, she reaches into her purse and pulls out Rigo's old shirts. She doesn't wear them to sleep anymore. She's started wearing her old Rock tees. She still won't let go of his beanie, but at least this is something.

Later, Austin ignores that Payson's drinking again and takes the opportunity to text Lauren.

_I got her out of his shirts without the use of sexual exploits. Who's unhelpful now?_

Austin looks up and sees Payson's moved on to vodka. Who's unhelpful now? Still him.

…

Payson starts to resent Nicky and Kelly and their couple-ness less and less when she realizes how they're nothing like how her and Rigo used to be. It's first love (even if they're yet to admit it) through and through, but Payson's sure she never fought with Rigo as much as Nicky and Kelly do and they were together even longer than the Denver elitists.

They push each other, constantly testing their relationship, seeing how much they actually want to be together. Payson suspects they even realize they're doing it, but she's seen Nicky have a panic attack after a fight with Kelly, terrified she might leave and never come back. While he wallows in self-hate, Payson's phone will buzz and it's Kelly, asking how Nicky is.

In retrospect, with Rigo, they had the puppy love and smiles, but Payson isn't too sure they had that seemingly masochistic constantly drowning and resuscitating each other, deep _need_ to be together. Payson thinks it's this multidimensionality that's necessary in the forever kind of love. Not that she still believes in the forever kind of love. The jury is still out on that one.

"Nick, hurry the hell up!" Kelly shouts. "We should be out in front of the restaurant by now! Something tells me my dad's going to care less about what your hair looks like and more about having to wait longer to get his steak!"

Payson smiles from the other end of the couch. "He's freaking out about meeting your dad."

"And Austin giving him 'pointers' isn't helping," Kelly adds. She tosses the magazine she'd been reading onto the coffee table, eyeing Payson. "Speaking of, what's going on with you and Tucker?" Payson rolls her eyes. "What? All I'm saying is I've noticed a lack of skanks around here lately. Don't tell me you don't notice the way he's all about you every time you're over."

Payson can't say that she hasn't noticed, but most times she chooses not to. "I just like hanging out. That's all I'm capable of at the moment. Do you think I'm leading him on?"

"No. If anything, he's leading himself on," Kelly says. "Plus, he isn't completely disillusioned. Whenever you aren't here you're with Sasha. If there's anything that would make Austin err on the side of caution, it's that."

Reading Kelly's thoughts, Payson sighs. "Nothing's going on with Sasha either. We're all just…friends."

"What is it about you when it comes to guys?" Kelly asks. "They just can't help, but fall for you. My socially retarded boyfriend and the bisexual photographer included. And you don't even see it."

Payson's ready to ask her to elaborate when thundering footsteps come from the staircase. Kelly mutters a moody, "fina-fricking-ly," and gets up off the couch, straightening her dress down her legs. Austin comes downstairs first and announces Nicky, who walks down the steps, uncertain and shy. He's all dressed up and his hair is neatly gelled.

"Aww," Payson coos. "You look like you're going to your first piano recital."

Nicky throws up his hands. "See, Austin, I told you I look stupid. Let me just—"

"No!" Kelly shouts. "We're late as is." She grabs his sleeve and stops him from going back upstairs. She unbuttons his suit jacket and messes up his hair with her fingers. "There. You look great. Let's go."

"Don't forget to pick up flowers for her stepmom on your way!" Austin reminds them. He's enjoying this way too much. Nicky nods, making a mental note, and Kelly steals his car keys, grumbling about having to drive. "You kids have fun!"

Kelly flips him off behind her head as she drags Nicky out the front door. Once they leave, Austin looks particularly proud of himself and Payson shakes her head at him. "You're seriously the worst friend ever."

"What? I'm being supportive." Austin goes over and sits next to her. "Ah, I remember when I met Kaylie's parents for the first time. Not to brag, but I _nailed _it. They loved me. I swear, when we broke up, her dad took it worse than both of us combined."

"My dad loved Rigo," Payson reminisces. "It sucks that my mom never got to meet him."

"I didn't know the guy that well. I don't think we ever said a word to each other the entire time at the TC, but, hey, if he could see how incredible you are, he had to have been a great guy. I'm sure your mom would've loved him."

Payson smiles at Austin and clasps the back of his hand with hers. She's quickly becoming an expert at hand gestures. But then something changes in the way Austin looks at her and he wraps his fingers around her hand in this way that's more intimate than it should be. It isn't how Sasha took her hand on the plane to the funeral or how Payson squeezed Kelly's hand in thanks at the Italian restaurant. When Austin lets his thumb caress her knuckles, Payson practically throws his back at him.

"Pay?"

"I just remembered that I promised Sasha we'd have dinner tonight!" Payson shoots up from her seat and goes to grab her bag and coat.

"Payson."

"I'll text you later, okay? We can try out paragliding or kayaking or something."

Before she gets too far, Austin pulls her into a hug. He drops his head down towards her and just holds her for a little while. Payson tenses, wants to push him away, but then she can't remember the last time someone's been this close to her and so she relaxes, sighs into it.

"What are you doing, Austin?"

"What feels right."

Being in his arms, it does feel right, more than she's willing to admit.

"I gotta go."

Austin kisses the side of her face and walks her to the door.

Payson manages to beat Sasha home and she cooks him dinner. It's sort of an apology for being so distant lately and it's nice. He doesn't bring up how things have been strained between them. He just moves forward. Payson's starting to see that maybe it isn't so bad.

…

"What the hell are you doing, Payson?" he demands. Rigo throws his bike down onto the grass and charges towards her. "First you go and burn one of my favorite shirts and now you're making Mr. Let's Do Reckless Shit fall for you and then running to Mr. Senior Citizen!"

"Sasha's not a senior citizen. And Austin isn't falling for me."

Rigo leans over, right in her face. _"What are you doing, Austin?" _he says, an imitation of her. Making his voice deep, mockingly so, Rigo answers himself, "_What feels right_." He snorts. "Really? That guy knows he isn't really in a romantic comedy, right?"

Payson realizes how close their faces are and so she turns away.

Rigo scoffs, starting to ride around on his bike again. "I know I told you I'm cool with you hooking up with either one of them. Mostly, because, yeah, even I wouldn't advocate necrophilia—"

"What are we even doing, Rigo?" Payson shouts. "We never fight. Never. Why are you doing this now?"

"That's what you want, right? What Kelly and Nicky have that we don't? Well, here it is!" he yells. Everything is dark around them, loud and windy. She isn't wearing his jacket. She hasn't been for nights now. "Hooking up with someone, fine! Hell, I even _encouraged_ you to! But loving someone else? You aren't supposed to be in love with anyone, but me, Payson!"

Suddenly all the noise around them stops, making the ringing that accompanies silence close to deafening. They kind of just stare at each other until Payson literally wills herself to wake up.

…

She kisses him.

Sasha.

She kisses Sasha on a beautiful fall day while they're on a picnic. Just like the last time, the circumstances are all wrong. They blamed her hormones before and now her grief. It's different this time. She doesn't feel him push her away, but he doesn't kiss her back either. He lets her decide when it starts and when it ends. It lasts a few seconds before she pulls away.

"I'm sorry," she immediately apologizes. "It's just, he's been taunting me and making me question everything and I just…I just had to see."

Sasha is stunned, perplexed, maybe a tad bit curious. "And who is _he_? Austin?"

"Rigo," Payson answers. "He thinks me and you, but I keep telling him…"

"Payson." Sasha places his hand over hers and squeezes tight. "Rigo's dead."

"In my dreams," Payson elaborates, because, yeah, without that context, he must think she's insane. Of course, Rigo's dead. He's been dead, but it doesn't mean he's gone. "He's in my head. He just won't leave, Sasha. He—he won't leave me and I…"

She hates that she falls apart in front of him. She's Payson Keeler. She isn't supposed to be that sad girl who lets a boy be the reason she's okay with losing everything she's ever been or wanted to be. Payson sees it now, how far she's strayed from herself. She hates it. She's over it. She's done stalling.

Instead of trying to get her to talk any more about it, Sasha just hushes her and hugs her as she stares up, straight into the sun.

…

Lauren gets a voicemail from Sasha, politely requesting she talk to Payson because even he knows that Lauren might be the only one who can. He also gets a dozen texts from Austin, all his coolness and cheek nowhere to be found, telling her she's needed in Boulder ASAP. Finally, when Thanksgiving comes around, Lauren gets her chance.

After hugging for maybe five minutes straight outside the airport, the two girls drives out to their old gymnastics camp and sit on the log with their initials carved into it, watching as Phoebe frolics through the field, leaves crunching beneath her paws.

"Status update. Now."

"Austin might be falling for me, I kissed Sasha and Rigo, you know, my dead ex-boyfriend, visits me in my dreams."

Lauren's eyes widen. "I seriously missed all this?" Payson groans with her face in her hands and Lauren rubs comforting circles down her back. "Just breathe, Pay. Then talk to me."

"Austin's great, you know? He lives this life that I never thought I'd have or I'd even want. He makes me feel like I can have anything and be anything and that not every step of the way has to be mapped out. I can just do whatever I want. But Sasha, it's always been Sasha. He's stability and he only wants what's best for me and, he's my rock. And when I kissed him he didn't push me away and that _means something_."

"Whoa, slow your roll there, Pay. When did this turn into a love triangle?"

"It's not." Payson sighs, letting her head rest on Lauren's shoulder. "It's more like a life triangle? I haven't thought of either of them, anyone, in a remotely romantic way, it's too soon, but it feels like they still want me to choose between them on how I live my life. I don't even think I'm making sense right now. I don't know what to do, Lo. Tell me what to do."

"This isn't me giving you a make up tutorial before a date. This is your life, Payson." They come to a stalemate. Lauren can't make the choices for her. Payson doesn't want to make choices at all. Putting on a bright smile, Lauren turns to optimism. "I know one plus."

"Which is?"

"Rigo. That's the first time I've heard you actually say it. That he's dead."

There's something empowering about that, but also sad.

They head to the grocery store right after, preparing for Thanksgiving. Lauren grabs a cart, pressuring Payson into betting her that when Kaylie gets home tomorrow she'll totally have reached mistress status. When Payson doesn't immediately reply, Lauren looks over and her friend isn't at her side. Lauren sees Payson standing with a homeless man, sitting on a bench, using newspaper as blankets in the cold November afternoon. Payson hands him the beanie she's been reluctant to let go. Lauren smiles.

…

Everyone comes to the Tanner's for Thanksgiving. The girls cook even if it's more like Payson bossing them around while Lauren and Kelly gossip while the guys hang out and watch the game on TV. Austin and Sasha are civil towards each other, doing that guy thing where they get over something as quick as it happens. Nicky and Kelly stay as long as they can before meeting her family for dinner and Kaylie and the Cruzes stop in just in time for pie. It's a little awkward with Austin there, but overall, it's a nice day. Payson's never felt so far from lonely.

While Austin pesters Lauren about why she's hiding Jake from them, Payson sneaks away and calls her family to wish them a Happy Thanksgiving.

…

The next Monday Payson is woken by her phone ringing and quickly reaches for it, not wanting to wake Lauren who's asleep on the other side of the bed. It's Brad, saying he picked up all of Payson's things at Stanford that her roommate was nice enough to box up and shipped it back to Colorado for her. Payson thanks him, saying if they're ever in the same place at the same time, she'll pay him back. In reply, Brad laughs and says it isn't necessary, that introducing him to her "hot" roommate was payment enough.

Payson rolls her eyes. They totally hooked up.

After saying a sleepy goodbye and tossing her phone aside, Payson closes her eyes for another minute. That's when it hits her. Rigo didn't visit her. She slept straight through the night without alcohol for the first time in a long time.

…

"Honestly, is he _this _annoying all the time or is it solely for my benefit?"

Payson draws patterns against the table with her fingertip, listening to Lauren's complaints (that have been going on nonstop all weekend) about Austin. He's across the little coffeehouse, grabbing their orders, stopping to flirt with the barista. The next cycle of his pattern begins again, it seems.

"Solely for your benefit," Payson teases.

"At this rate, I'm going to miss my flight." Slightly standing from her seat, Lauren shouts, "Any day, Tuck! My latté is getting cold! Seal the deal or walk away!"

Payson quickly grabs Lauren's arm and yanks her back into her seat. Austin narrows his eyes at the blonde like she's a crazy person and that's probably what he tells the confused (hot) coffeehouse employee.

"I'm going to miss you. Even when you're out of your mind and completely embarrassing," Payson says matter-of-factly. Beaming, Lauren slings her arm around her best friend. "Give Jake a hug for me when you see him."

"Don't worry. Christmas isn't that far away and since he spent Thanksgiving with his family, I get him for winter break. I'm thinking skiing in Aspen. Not before stopping in and seeing you, of course. Ugh, goodbyes suck. Do I even have to say how much I love you?"

"It's goes without saying, but still nice to hear." Payson hugs her back. "I love you too, Lo."

When Austin walks over, he sets down the tray of drinks and Lauren scoffs. "Took you long enough."

"Sealed the deal even with you trying to sabotage," Austin brags, showing Lauren the screen of his phone with a "Barista Shelley" as the name. Lauren rolls her eyes and sips her latté, unimpressed. "So once you get rip of the dead weight, you want to do something fun, Keeler?"

Payson hums softly and traces the lip of her mocha with the tip of her finger. "Maybe this weekend, Aus. Some of us actually have jobs and work to do." Austin and Lauren react with such synchronized shock that it's almost comical. "I miss gymnastics," Payson admits.

Lauren's arms tighten around her. Austin gives her a grin, not one bit disappointed. Payson sips her coffee and smiles right back.

…

Sasha figured that Payson would go back to staying with him once Lauren went back to LA, but that doesn't happen. He feels a little disappointed, a little alone, but accepts it. When he goes to the Rock that morning, the lights are all on and the doors unlocked. He goes inside to find Payson helping one of the elite girls who makes it a point to come in early every morning like Payson used to when she had her eye on gold.

Seeing them together, Payson directing and the girl eager to absorb as much as she possibly can, Sasha smiles himself. And that's when he knows she's going to be okay.

When she spots him, Payson waves and Sasha nods back.

This is where she belongs.

Back at the Rock.

Back with her rock.

Ready to start again.

…

Payson sits in the middle of a field, taking a moment to reflect, watching as a gust of wind sweeps browning leaves across the ground. It's nearing winter, getting colder, everything around her dying. She's come so far from the days of lying out on the fake green grass of the TC and all those memories it holds.

"I couldn't see it before, what I was doing to myself, but I do now. It was like I was up on the uneven bars, doing some basic series of giant swings over and over, afraid to let go, just plain afraid, not knowing if I could go on to do something even greater or even land on my feet. But I'm moving on now. It isn't impossible. I have people who have my back. I have Sasha and Austin. I can't choose between them, but I don't think I need to either. At least, for now, I think I need both of them in my life. I could be happy. I want it now."

"Nice, but I didn't really get the gymnastics reference."

"As usual. You never did and I still fell for you anyways." Payson adjusts the too large jacket on her shoulders. Gray. Team USA.

"So if you don't mind me asking, where do I fit into the pretty picture? Why am I still here, Payson?"

Turning to Rigo, lying out across a pile of dead leaves, Payson straightens the beanie on his head and lays her hand over his.

"Because we said forever."

* * *

A/N: When I butcher ships, I never half-ass it. ;) I haven't written Sasha/Payson much or Paystin in a while or Lauren/Jake/Payson/Rigo _ever_ so lemme hear your thoughts. Wanna see more? Or should I go back to drowning in my puddle of Nickelly? (Holy crap! I didn't seriously eff them up for once!) Weird shit is fun outside my typical too. My body is ready for the _wtf_ reactions. Give me something to ease how hungover I'm gonna be Sunday morning. **REVIEW**.

xoxo


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